I must write. I've got to get this out of my head because I'm becoming more crazy… whoops :o)

This month so far has gone a little different than I honestly anticipated. I've underwent things I didn't think I would ever have to go through; emotionally and physically. I did the whole, so upset you throw up and the no appetite because you just cant eat. I've cried until there were no more tears. I've gone from sad, to angry, to hurt, to pissed off in a very short amount of time. The last time I was this pissed was… well. When someone told the guy I was seeing about me 'not wanting to see him anymore.'

Heart break I do believe this is called. And you think you know what you're doing. You think you're not weak and or vulnerable but you are. You will always crumble regardless of how strong you think you are. But then, you say in the beginning you have a wall up. That you can't break that wall and you won't get hurt, or that he won't hurt you. But your wall fell down, he did hurt you. Even though he said he never would. It was all a lie. My heart isn't broken anymore. I taped it up, all better. The show must go on. Hopefully that damn tape holds up.

I like to buy things for other people, my treat. But. I don't like when people want to buy for me. The ones that do treat you, you don't think should and the ones that maybe could treat you every now and then don't. Why can't we all just pay for our own shit? If you can't pay for it, you don't need it. I just don't like when others pay. Makes me feel dependant on them. I started my new job last Saturday. I look back at the last year and a half, and there was one day a week I was sure I'd get fired. I've learned so much. Most of it, not really important but I still learned something. Those people drove me crazy, annoyed me, made me angry but most importantly they loved me. They supported me every time I was ill or were having issues. When I moved they gave me house warming presents and when I'd sit at the desk and just cry they would pick up the phones until I caught my breath. They threw a little party. We ate fancy cake and had wonderful punch. It was fun.

The new job is quite interesting. I work in a firm with two lawyers and two paralegals. And then there's me. We're all girls!

I'm so thankful for all of my girlfriends and Greg, who isn't a girl. The ones who were there when I needed you the most at the beginning of the month. The ones who let me just cry on the phone and who listened to everything when I was hurting so bad. Skylar, Jessi, Jessica, Erica, Shannon, Britney, Abi, my mom and whoever I forgot (sorry). Makes me want to cry again when I think about it because you all mean the world to me. The texts in the morning 'hey how you doing today' and the reassurance that everything will be okay. It's amazing how you can tell who your real friends are when things get tough. The ones that don't care you aren't as strong as the face I put on.

To Tommy's sisters, I appreciate you, more than you will ever know (Teri too). I'm sorry that I don't know how to deal with all this but know that all of you will forever be in my heart and that I will miss you all and I'm sad it didn't work out. Everything happens for a reason, and whatever that reason is, I respect it. And still have no control over it.

that is all i have for now. more next week.

I got some poison ivy on the fourth of July. I thought it was bug bites or something and finally, after three weeks I went to the doctor. Now I'm on some crazy pills to make it go away. Im thankful I went to the doctor and got it figured out.

I continued with my job search and I'm please to annouce, I have two weeks until Im done working at Hub International. It was a good run. I had fun. But its time for change; a new chapter in life that I'm going to so totally write. I've accepted a position at an attorneys office to be a 'legal assistant' and maybe one day a paralegal or something of the sort. Im really excited.

It was a long, tough, and exhausting week. Medicines making me stay awake at night, dealing with a nasty ass bug problem in my apartment, interviews, job applications, getting a job offer and having to discuss salary and benefits. Needing to make up my mind about whats important in life. And the one thing that is, is me. I got wet eyes when I put in my two weeks with Hub. Eileen even teared and asked what it would take to make me stay. As good as it felt knowing she wanted me to stay, I just couldnt do it.

Some of the most important people in my life, I havent even told this to yet. Mom has been in surgery (on call, perfoming surgery not undergoing surgery) for most of the week and Tommy, well. I just havent talked to him.

When people step out of your life for a moment, do you hesitate to let them go, or do you hold on tight and hope they stay? Do you think that your life is a puzzle and if they fit, they fit. If not, on to the next person? Does your puzzle ever change? Of course. But does that mean that the puzzle pieces can change too? Or is that a horrible analogy?

I feel torn between my heart and my mind the last few days. And they always say to follow your heart but is your brain much smarter? If you want to leave my life, thats fine. I cannot do anything to change your mind, nor do I want to. I do however want closure. I want to know why. I ask too many questions because I want to feel there is no unfinished business. While conversing about this thing called 'closure' a good friend of mine said, "sometimes, closure has to come from within." How profound, I thought. And yes, things are finally done when your heart heals and your eyes dry but what do you do until you find that inner peace?

Without giving too much away because its not really anyones business but I do need to get it out, Im hurt to say the least. I'm confused and lost. I feel completely disrespected and numb to the outside world. I never quite understand why people do the things they do, because its their idea not mine but why would you intentionally hurt someone? Why is it all black and white and then suddenly I'm pushed into a spinning gray area?

The title of my blog, is kinda my new phrase. How different would life be if wishes did come true? It came about at dinner last weekend. Sammi asked what you wished would have been different blah blah blah. (blah doesnt mean it was insignificant its just not that pertinent) and it got me thinking. It actually totally threw off my night. I went home bitter after dinner. Not at her for bringing it up, at the fact that wishes in fact, dont always come true and that you cant change anything from the past. If every wish on every star were granted and if every wish made on 11:11 became reality, how different would life be? What would you change? Now whenever I think about how I 'wish' things would be, I say that. If wishes came true. If wishes came true, she would have come out alive. if wishes came true, he would still be here. If wishes came true, Id have a new car. If wishes came true... do you see where Im going with this?

I wish that he would call and tell me whats going on.

I wish that gas prices would go down about another dollar.

I wish life wasnt so hard sometimes.

I wish they wouldnt fight because its pains me.

I wish you the best.

I wish my friends were nicer to each other because I dont understand why they're so angry at each other to begin with.

Its not that the intentions werent good, but its either going to happen or its not. And things we cant change, arent going to. So why do we dwell on them? Why do we continue to wish that they wouldnt have happened?

Someone called me spoiled the other day. It was actually someone that I work with. And I'm not sure why she said I was spoiled, if its that she really thinks I am or if she was angry I was leaving in two weeks... anywho. I dont think I am spoiled. I listened to her reasons she thought that I was, and I was stunned she thought the things that she did and those meant I was spoiled. Example, the fact that I eat out almost every day for lunch. That I wont eat at home. that makes me spoiled. The fact that I drink bottled water or filtered deep rock from work, that makes me spoiled. The fact that I PAY my parents cash so I can do laundry at their house. That part is more about convenience. If Im going to be here, and they say its cool, why not? I pay for my lunch. I pay for my bottled water and I pay to do laundry at my parents house. So where in that is anything actually handed to me to give you the idea that I am spoiled? Because I dont see it. Its my money. I choose how to spend it. Sorry I dont like left overs and I enjoy getting out of the office to eat lunch. Sorry I dont save my money, I deal with expenses as they come. maybe its because she is old school and thats how she raised her kids so she thinks thats how i should live my life too? no clue. Maybe her reasons behind it were in fact because I told her I was puttin in my two weeks. My responsibilities now become hers. Dont purposely make me angry, hurt my feelings or confuse my easily confused head because you just feel like it.

Why do people say things when its not their place to say? Why cant they say things more nicely or with more tact? They are just rude about it. No need to be rude, its not your life. Its mine. Hence, my life, my choices, my money, my relationship. When it becomes, our lfie, our choices our money and our relationship, get back to me.

I'm pooped. No more left in me.

Down below I wrote many weeks ago. Just getting around to posting it.
______________________________________________________________

I think that there are still people in this world who appreciate looking up.  People who know what power words contain.  People who are not so absorbed in the television that they forget there is actually a world outside.  A world that turns. A world that rains.  A turbulent, sometimes frightening, most of the time exhilarating world.  A world with PEOPLE.  Humanity has become too disconnected from itself.  We walk around with cell phones, not in our pockets, not in our hands, but attached to our ears.  It's easier that way.  Correct?  We are in a constant struggle with our evil pursuer; time.  Twenty-four hours is not enough.  We need thirty.  Actually forty-eight would be wonderful. Most balance family, work, a social life (if they're fortunate), and the ordinary things everyone must do to keep functioning.  It's so much easier to plan your affairs, budget your time, and make phone calls when you're in the company of people you, honestly, don't care about.  You don't know the guy at the gas station, the girl at the supermarket, the secretary at the doctor's office.  While we are being honest I'm sure they could care less about you.  You're another face, that continues another day, that turns one more hour until they go home. What if you stopped, smiled, and asked how their day was going?  What if they did the same to you (and meant it)?  What if you began your day with a five minute conversation with the super market lady, whom you have now discovered is the mother of three kids and is attempting to start her own clothing line?  What if you told your aunt you would call her back and actually said hello to the gas station attendant instead of mouthing number eight, and thrusting a twenty in his face?  Would it make things easier?  No.  Would the world seem brighter?  No.  Would famine, crime, and disease suddenly be brought to a shocking halt because you took the time to notice another person?  Absolutely not.  But you might feel, just a little, warmer inside.  More importantly you could have made someone else feel that same warmth.

There are people in the office today, for some board meeting. It was my duty to run to My Favorite Muffin and get 50 mini muffins and to Safeway to get a pint of half and half. Make the coffee (2 pots), find a lovely platter and arrange 35 mini muffins on it. Everyone was late. Anywhere from 5 – 27 minutes. When is anyone ever on time? I guess it's not relevant, they are not directly associated with me and it didn't really affect me (other than my rushing to get the muffins situated). I had no idea how many people were coming. Our conference room seats 12; 5 (boss included) showed up. It lasted slightly over an hour from the original time everyone was supposed to be here and then they all left in a hurry. No one stayed to eat one last muffin, which are fantastic by the way. Not one person hung around to chitchat longer than everyone else. I don't understand how you can go into a meeting, and leave the meeting abruptly to answer your phone. Why cant the call wait, doesn't the meeting come first? The call didn't seem that vital anyway. One gentleman came out of the conference room, slammed the door and took his call here in the lobby. It lasted about three minutes, tops. While he was chatting about nothing, he reached into the candy jar and grabbed two mints. They were Life Saver Mints. He popped it into his mouth and crunch crunch crunch it was gone. He ate another. I sat here in awe. I contemplated why he ate it so fast and why he needed two if he wasn't going to enjoy it to the full extent. Why was he was in such a butt rush for a small candy with a strong flavor? Why must he chomp in the caller's ear? Then he hurried back into the conference room and slammed the door, yet again. How rude, I thought. Following the meeting, each person grabbed some candy as they walked out. The same man grabbed at least three more mints. I hope he doesn't choke. I cleaned the conference room. There were about 38 muffins left. The office finished them this afternoon.

When you do your laundry or, landry as I like to call it, do you sort your stuff by color or do you just kind of throw it all in and hope for the best? Do you wear the same outfits over and over and over again or do you wear everything and then wash it all at once? I love doing laundry. I hate that I don't own a washer and a dryer. But if I did, I would wash clothes all of the time. I don't sort my clothes. I watch for white shirts and articles that may cause others to become overly fuzzy but for the most part, I just toss it all in. I don't even hope for the best. I just take it as it comes. Maybe that's why I don't hate laundry like so many others do, because I don't sort it. I hate that I have to go somewhere to do it. To the laundry mat, second floor or over to the Rents house when they leave town. I love that I can just throw it in with the soap and turn it on. I wash all my stuff in a large load with cold water to wash and rinse so I never have to turn the dial. And most things can be dried (one pair of jeans and two t's cannot). I like to hang my clothes. Hate hate hate hate HATE folding. Just turn on a movie, or talk on the phone and hang clothes. Pantaloons on the left of the closet, tops straight in front. Underoos, bras and sockies in a three drawer roll tub thing. Pretty simple I think.

Our office is obsessed with Crystal Light. I'm pretty sure we all drink it during the day. And I cannot live without Spitz Dill Pickle sunflower seeds. They sit in my car and I eat them whenever I drive. They are fantastic. As soon as I run out, back to buy some more. They are so so good. Heard the Jalapeño ones are good too, going to try those next time I run out.

When I love someone, friends, I love them whole-heartedly. Some people, I love too quickly. I think sometimes, my love is overbearing. I want to tell you all the time. I'll say it all day long, at the end of every email. I'm not sure why this is. I'm talking just girlfriends. It's quite funny that I think I'm an easy lover when someone told me a couple of weeks ago that I am not a people person; that I hate people. I was appalled at this gesture because I've always worked in customer service. Receptionist, administration, cashier at Kohl's. I deal with people all day every day. New people, young and old maybe somewhere in between. I have people call the office just to talk to me sometimes, when they could spend less time talking to anyone and just email. I'm not a people person? Whoa. Who knew? I like lots of people. And I also can't stand lots of people. Rub me the wrong way once, and you might not ever be able to rub me right (figuratively speaking of course). Sometimes, I think my love for friends is too much because I don't get it back all the time. Then I just get angry. But I recently learned you cant be mad at yourself for bending over backwards and not getting those people to bend for you as well. It was your choice to bend, to go the extra mile for them.

On the other hand, I always thought I was outgoing. I think in ways this is different from being a people person but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just fooling myself that I'm a people person. Anyway, I always thought that I was sociable but I'm seeing more and more that if you put me in a room with a bunch of people that I kind of know or people that I went to school with but wasn't friends with I cower down. I'm shy. Quiet. Only speaks when spoken too and I begin to wonder where the old Hannah has gone. Or was I really never that person that talked to everyone? Did I really only talk to those I was close to? This strikes me as odd; I'm still confused to this day why I am not friendly like I thought I was. People think I'm strange. Which I am. Totally give them credit for noticing. I'm loud when I feel need be. I like to observe, take in the detail of the situation. Listen to people talk nonsense while I just listen.

I have the world in the palm of my hands; it's up to me to mold it.

Its funny that we think some things will change in time. And really they change but it all comes back to the same thing. I was recently discussing living paycheck to pay check. One person stated that you're really not making a career if you live paycheck to paycheck and its too hard to save because bills come up. And I agree. I don't think you live completley if you're always nervous about your money. So then I got to talking to my wise friend in D-Town. An older ish guy, really smart and funny. He has a degree and a family and works at a large company and probably makes a good amount of money but he says that he still lives that way. Paycheck to paycheck inquiring how the bills might get paid. So I thought, damn this shit never changes. I might as well get used to it. Average Americans I'm talking…

I can count my best friends on one hand and that's how I like to keep it. Quality over quantity right? I was telling one of my best friends this just today : Some people are only temporary friends. And you will always come across people that you will only be friends with for 8 months. Or 2 months. Or 10 years or not the rest of your life. and there will be people that you're close to forever. My best friends are the ones I know, not think, I will be close to forever. My best friends are the ones that I trust with my life, the ones who answer their phones at three in the morning… the ones that will be in my wedding even if its ten years from now. My best friends are the ones who want me in their life, just as much as I want them in mine. I read the other day in order to have a great friend, you have to be a great friend. Think of that next time you questions someones intentions in your friendship.

My eyes are open but my body is still asleep. Im  like a damn zombie these days.

I talk to myself in the card aisle. I sometimes read them aloud and I laugh at them too. If I find a really good one, ill find a stranger shortly down the aisle and read it to them too. I could spend hours in the card aisle.

Sometimes I read the news. Most days it makes me really super sad. But thankful tomorrow is another day.

It's funny how you will always love someone regardless. And how people choose to live their lives thinking of what their life would have been like instead of moving on. How someone can place blame on everyone else but themselves because they never did anything wrong? How people can manage someone else's life but not their own? How tears share the most extreme emotions. I love how memories can make you laugh 5 years later. How you always think you are right then you realize how wrong you really are. How people say they are completely different from each other but probably have a lot in common but are too ignorant to admit it. Life is a huge jumbled mess of amazing ness.

Slowing things down.  I'm always in a rush.  IMPATIENT.  I skip words when I read so I can get to the next page more quickly, I cook eggs on high to save time and I give people my trust before they've earned it.  I'm tired of missing part of the story, eating burnt eggs and having a broken heart so I'm slowing down. I have kept my experiences in my heart and am carrying them with me through to my future.  I can only hope that the people I have affected and touched will chose to do the same...

 

Are you pickin up what I'm putting down?

We look forward to it coming again just as soon as it's gone. We pick out clothes to wear and pack up the cooler with lots of water. Bring the sunscreen and a squirt bottle. 

You yell and scream and dance at the musicians. Some songs make you laugh. Some make you cry. You buy your tickets to get your beer and mixed drinks. Find some ice cream somewhere along the line. You lose your key, your money, and your cell. You bring along a friend to help you find it. Sometimes, you're lucky enough to discover it was right where you left it. You dance, shake your badonkadonk and laugh at random people. You fall while walking in the field because its bumpy and you get lost trying to find your seat or your car. You check out all the vendors: smores, airbrushed tattoos, car stickers, clothes. Head to the shirt shack to pick up a souvenir. Its one big friends and high school reunion. It's a damn good time. It's your favorite only-comes-once-a-year occasion. It's COUNTRY JAM! What a wonderful line up it was this year. Gary Allan, Brad Paisley, Teri Clark, Trace Adkins, Toby Keith, and Taylor Swift were my favorites. I met up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while (Eric, Jess, Brandon, Nan, John, Marisol) and ran into some people I didn't care to see, too. There is always some laughs, and tears. And drama and too many beers. But in the end, it's totally worth it. You get closer to some friends, further from others. Some people say they're going to come and they don't and you just have to let it go. You're going to have a fantastic time either way. I'm so thankful I had my friends this year I had so much fun. Thanks for making it one to remember cause next year, I'll be 21 and won't remember anything J

It's about that time for transition again. I am done working at Kohl's. And I'm out and about searching for a new FT job. I passed my certificate test. Taking my state exam… well. I know I'm not going to pass so I'm just not going to take it. Kind of immature (pick what word you may) to not just suck it up and take it but really. I don't care.

It feels as if it's been forever since I have written. So many things have been going on in my head. But then it's hard to write about some of it because you don't want to piss anyone off.

Who you were in the past does not justify who you are today. And I came up with that shit by myself! Just because you were someone in the past is no excuse for who or what you are right now.

If you're looking for a non-bias outlook, on anything, good luck. In the end it comes down to we all are the same. And we all have an opinion that is based on a past experience or someone who had a similar experience.

When it comes to life, you are the writer of your own. And really, no one elses. You are the topic of conversation, the decision maker. No one else can write your story. Unfortunately, most of life is written in pen. There are things that you cannot erase (written in ink, hello). Sometimes, you can take it back or scribble it out. Pretend like it never happened but most of the time you just have to keep on writing. There are days or events... times when you fall short and need to start a new chapter. You meet a new character, go out to a new adventure. You meet the good, the bad and the ugly. But you are the holder of your destiny. Learn the hard way, learn the not so hard way or continue to wallow in your mistakes (self pity and blaming others too). But. When you feel its time, start a new chapter. Leave your reader on the edge of their seat, wanting more. But remember that they only get what you give them. You write it. No one else.

3 words. Containing hundreds of emotions, together they make a thousand meanings. Hard to say, easy to feel. Unsure of the right time to reveal it, waiting for the reaction. Don't rush it but declare it. You can hide it but if you don't say it, you just might lose it. Then again, actions speak louder than words.

Wise words from my lovely friend Britney "Sure there will always be times that are more rough than others but Patience, Love, and Compassion gets you through it, not the HARD WORK FACTOR. Work is something you're paid to do. You do it cause you have to in order to survive in this world. Love is a choice and a reward. You choose to love and be loved in return."

The Twelve Laws of Karma – Found this online and I think its very very very very VERY relevant

THE GREAT LAW
As you sow, so shall you reap.
This is also known as the Law of Cause and Effect.
Whatever we put out in the Universe is what comes back to us.
If what we want is happiness, peace, friendship, love...
Then we should BE happy, peaceful, loving, a friend.
Whether it's negative or positive energy sent out to others it will come back to you ten-fold.

THE LAW OF CREATION
Life doesn't just HAPPEN, it requires our participation.
We are one with the Universe both inside and out.
Whatever surrounds us gives us clues to our inner state.
BE and DO yourself what you want to have in your life.

THE LAW OF HUMILITY
What you refuse to accept, will continue for you.
If what we see is an enemy, or someone with a character
trait that we find to be negative, then we ourselves are
not focused on a higher level of existence, or maybe need to if it bothers us we need to deal with the enemy "inside"

THE LAW OF GROWTH
Wherever you go, there you are.
For us to GROW it is WE who must change and not
the people, places or things around us.
The only given we have in our lives is OURSELVES,
and that is the only factor we have control over.
When we change who and what we are within our heart, our
life changes too.

THE LAW OF RESPONSIBILITY
Whenever there is something wrong, there is something wrong in me.
We mirror what surrounds us and what surrounds us mirrors us:
we must take responsibility for what is in our life.

THE LAW OF CONNECTION
Even if something we do seems inconsequential,
it is very important that it gets done as everything in the
Universe is connected. every little thing you do is important.
Each step leads to the next step and so forth and so on.
Someone must do the initial work to get a job done.
Neither the first step nor the last are of greater significance-
they were both needed to accomplish the task.
Past, Present, Future...they are all connected...

THE LAW OF FOCUS
You can't think of two things at the same time.
You should climb up a ladder on step at a time.
When you lose your focus, you let in insecurities
and anger.

THE LAW OF GIVING AND HOSPITALITY
If you believe something to be true, then sometime in your life
you will be called upon to demonstrate that truth. Here is where
we put what we SAY that we have learned into PRACTICE.

THE LAW OF HERE AND NOW
Looking back to examine what was prevents us from being totally
in the HERE AND NOW.
Old thoughts, old patterns of behavior, old dreams...
Prevent us from having new ones.

THE LAW OF CHANGE
History repeats itself until we learn the lessons
that we need to change our path.

THE LAW OF PATIENCE AND REWARD
All Rewards require initial toil.
Rewards of lasting value require patient and persistent toil.
TRUE JOY follows doing what we're suppose to be doing, what we truly love to do, and waiting for the reward to come in it's own time.

THE LAW OF SIGNIFICANCE AND INSPIRATION
You get back from something whatever
you've put into it.
The value of something is a direct result of
the energy and intent that is put into it.
Every personal contribution is also a contribution to the Whole.
Lack luster contributions have no impact on the Whole
or work to diminish it.
Loving Contributions lift up and inspire the Whole.

Now is time for the randomness.

I'm sorry JT for chucking a jar (why is it a jar when its plastic, I thought jars were glass?) of peanut butter at your head in college. I'm sorry to Keshia that I've done everything I know possible to get your attention and I have failed. I'm sorry that more people choose to only be my friend at work (the one I no longer even work at) and then magically they like, don't want to talk to you or don't make time anymore. I'm sorry to say that I need to start actually living my life, that I've been holding back: I need more hobbies, more sleep, more solid friendships. I need to look those people in the eye, the ones who tell me what to do, the ones who interrupt me mid sentence every single sentence, and say pick up a mirror instead of a magnifying glass because your life is hella more fucked up than mine. I'm sorry to the friends that my words and supposable guidance isn't sufficient enough to help you fix whatever you think is broken in your life. But its YOUR life and I'm just TRYING to help. Thank you to all my real friends. The real ones. You know who you are. For always always always confiding in me, letting me confide in you. Letting me come to you in tears and say look, I'm freaking out. Talk to me. The friends who stay positive and know that it will work out for the best. Thanks to all my newer friends who are constantly reminding me what real friends consist of. I'm sorry that I cannot stop pulling out my hair. That it ends up everywhere because its dry and I stress out too easy. I'm sorry I'm cranky while at work. Fax machines are calling the wrong number, people don't want to take their calls, and CS is wasting time telling me someone else's life story and precisely, I DON'T CARE about this shit anymore. I have allergies, I can't stand that people are so damn good at lying. Because I am not. I feel guilty. I hate having to hide shit and that's why I'm horrible at it. Usually right after I tell the lie, I say I have a confession, I lied. Because I just cant do it. I love when people mind their own business. I hate when I try not to make someone else's business my business but it happens anyway. Any who, that's enough out of me. Yes its true that so many things are easier said than done but often times, its better to just do them instead of talk about it.

What a beautiful mess.

 

I bought a brand new microwave. It’s beautiful. And black. I’ve had it for a week and still haven’t used the damn thing yet. I think I’ll do that tonight J it was on a really good sale. And then I had a coupon. So I had to have it. Being with out (I had one it just didn’t work anymore) was hard. Then, Tommy and Jilly moved and they needed a new microwave, so they got a new one too. But they have used theirs. Looks just like mine.

 

 

 

I'm still stuck where I was last month. Not being able to say how I feel to someone. I can be very direct at times but. There are just times when I can’t spit it out. Then I say one thing and it’s taken in the wrong context or I get a not so hot reply. Then it makes me never want to talk again. Why am I intimidated? No clue.

 

 

 

You meet people from time to time that you immediately connect with. Then you want to cling to them. You want to be apart of their lives and have them apart of yours, forever. I think sometimes they have something you think your life is missing. Or they remind you of a good period of life. Though you may not always be around them (people move, change, grow) you still keep in touch. You still think of them and wish they were around. They have affected your life, you have affected theirs and you never want to let them go. And the ones you really want to hold onto never lose touch. How long will that last? I still talk to my 5^th grade teacher. Vogt, Carlo and Jane from HS. Co-workers/ Administrators at CMC. People that I work with here in the insurance world (totally different from the real world, I swear) that I’d like to keep as friends if I were to ever leave. Co-workers from Kohl’s, I hope I keep some of them as friends, Pam P and Sandy. Ginger Claudine. I want to quit that job so bad. But I just can’t see myself leaving. Not going in and shopping or having nicknames for the managers. Joey (who is gone now), Patrick, JB and Clicky. Not seeing those people who have been there with me from the beginning of Kohl’s store 0025. Amanda, Gregory, April, Em, Kayla, Jeron, Collin, Shannon, Brielle, the Livingston twins. But I hate that job and most people are leaving in July anyway. We shall see.

 

 

 

Just got off the phone with my Grammy. She is such a sweet lady.

 

And I think I take her insight in consideration because she has raised three kids and all these grand kids and she isn't my mother. She sees my box and moms box, inside her own box and then she looks outside of the box. Even though I frown upon my Gram trying to tell me about God and all the wonderfulness of him (I have nothing against him but I’d rather not talk about any of it), I’m glad she prays for me. Because sometimes I forget to. I forget a lot. And the things I remember seem so unimportant at times.

 

 

 

I forget that it’s so hard to live day by day. That trying to sneak a peek at the future does you no good. Because you never really know what’s going to happen. I forget that life is a vicious cycle and sometimes you think you have it all together and then boom- you don’t. Life is about patience,  lenience and change. It spins and swirls like an angry roller coaster ride. Sometimes you're up sometimes you're down. Sometimes you just want your feet back on the ground. Maybe you close your eyes and enjoy the butterflies in your tummy and the wind in your hair. Maybe you rise up your arms and scream. Maybe you hang on to your best friend by your side and ask how much longer till its over. Then the ride slows down and your pain and confusion subsides. Then some stranger unbuckles you. My strangers are my friends. Figuratively speaking that is. I make friends with strangers but my friends are the ones who keep me grounded. The ones who listen until I’ve ran out of breath from talking so fast. The ones that support me no matter what the hell I do. I forget that everyone looks at the same moon. When you feel distanced, states away or just lonely for them just look at the moon and know you’ll see them again soon. I forget that any relationship has to be built on trust and open communication. Toss even just the slightest bit of jealousy in there because you're lacking any of the first two components and you're bond is bound to get thrown out the window. I forget that talk is cheap and words are not significant unless you follow through. Follow through is everything. I forget that I’m only 20 and anything is possible. Along with that, I forget that I have no real noteworthy ties right now. No kids, no husband. No real career. I could go anywhere. Do anything that I want. And here I am cutting myself short thinking I’m stuck in the current lifestyle. I forget to not criticize others when I’m mad at myself. My life is just that. Mine. cant blame anyone else for the way my life goes. I forget that everyone (guys included) is insecure. In their bodies, their relationships, their lives. I forget why friends are friends. To lift you up, to encourage, to inspire. To laugh with, and cry with. To take you back to who the real you is, and remind you of your strengths, your talents. I forget that it’s so much easier said than done sometimes. When you're on the outside, its easy to say do this like that but when you're in that situation and you feel like your world is crumbling, its not that effortless.

 

 

 

Being a hypocrite. I am. You are. I lie every time I write a blog and say I’m done. Say I’m happy. Tell you guys I’m not going to seek people out anymore. I do. I change my mind.

 

 

 

I miss Erica Lynn. She is in VA and will be back tomorrow. I’m sad lacey moved to NY. But I’m happy she is gone to a better place and hopefully she is happier there. I feel lost without Skylar. Living busy lives and on different parts of the state, we haven’t really talked in over a month. Jessi is trying to move away. Seattle or Portland or New Zealand. Some shit like that and I'm happy that she has such a free spirit to go wherever. Nicolette is finally on Myspace. So happy to see her and her family doing so well. A little less than a year and Britney and Matty are getting married. So excited. I saw her dress and its beautiful. Her house was dark downstairs and I went into the bathroom in stead of the hall. Got lost! Mama and Danny moved into a smaller house. Liza and Punkin are adjusting well (third house in four years). Cristiel still hasn’t had a baby. I’m hoping before or after Country Jam. Speaking of, Country Jam starts next Thursday. It’s going to be a damn good time, even if you don’t like country  music. I enjoy going to lunch with Crystal and Kelli. We reminisce about the good old days and how much trouble we were. I found a lady bug in my salad at La Paninoteca. I almost threw up in my mouth. She (I suppose it was a girl) was half dead on her back, IN MY SALAD. Can you say vomit? Bleh. I got a new salad but didn’t eat it and a new samitch. Probably wont ever eat there again. Sorry E.

 

 

 

I’ve taken the first part of my license exam. Waiting on a certificate to be faxed back from Denver. Then it’s off to (fail)take my test for the state. I know I’m going to fall short so I’m searching for a new job. Though it saddens my heart greatly to leave this place, where they have been my family for a year and a half, Life must go on. I want to write. I want to have people read my stuff and be like, Oh that Hannah Whiteside girl DOES know something. I just don’t know how to get there. Insurance is not the world for me. I like to collage advertisements. Collage in general. But where will that ever get me? I was trying to rush things. Talking about going into massage therapy or esthetics. Then a couple of people reminded me that is not what I’m passionate about. Rubbing people down and removing hair and giving facials. That’s not me. Me is a opinionated, openly talks to anyone about anything (abortion, Brazilian waxes, motion sickness, having a lame father, growing up on PBJ). I’m the loud laugher (is that a word?) and I love my independence. I admit when I’m at fault. Ill tell you when I think you're wrong or being unfair. I will tell you every day that I love you because (I think) I have a big heart and I think its important to let people know that you love them, if you do. I’m quick to judge but quick to take it back. I take pride in my appearance; I can’t leave the house without mascara and love a good pair of heels with black pants and a top. I love to eat pasta and potatoes. Kudos if you can put them in the same entrée. I over think, cant turn off the mind. I hurry life too much instead of savoring what’s going on today. I love too easily and can’t say no. I hate small tedious tasks like filing loose papers and folding a racetrack filled with stupid t-shirts. I’m not a huge fan of drinking and have no patience for drunks. Sometimes, I’m afraid to live a little on the wild side because I’m afraid I’ll fuck something up. Cause an accident, get a DUI, a fight between friends. I hate it people don’t have manners. Chew with their mouths open, stare at others (noticeably), not pushing in your chair after a meeting, no pleases and thank you's (I have a hard time with your welcome) and telling instead of asking. I’m not a mind reader, if you want me to come over you're going to have to say hey you want to come over? Don’t presume I’m just going to show up. I’m a sucker for a good one liner joke. Or a good knock knock. I have a love hate relationship that we live in such a small world. You know someone who knows someone that hangs out with someone you know. On the other hand, I despise that the world isnt so small we are only a hop skip and a jump away from all the people we love. And not everyone loves Grand Junction, so I don’t think they will be moving here soon. I’m a picky eater and want to strangle my father for calling me inhumane for it. He actually told me to move to texas where they are weird like me. Who the hell is he to open his mouth sometime? I get angry when people cant spell but am learning that its okay sometimes. Knowing the difference between two, to and too, know and no, their,there, and they’re… I do think those are important but no one seems to care anymore. I also think there is a difference between typos and just not knowing how to spell. I am bothered when you talk about your dog and before you're half way through the second sentence about your dog, the person you're talking to starts talking about their dog. Hello, my dog first. Then your dog. Or your boyfriend, husband, car, llama, movie night, Mom or whatever. How does the conversation always come back to you? I question every thing. Very curious person. I have friends I’ve never met. Friends that are 16 and friends that are 60. I spend more money than I make. I pay more money on doctor bills than rent. My most hated bill is student loans. Because going to college never did much for me. My biggest bill is rent. And rent goes up the first of July. Damn’t. I am in love with the pita pit. And pineapple in my pita.

 

 

 

That is who I am. All of those things.

 

 

 

I’m off for the weekend. Happy Fathers day to all you men out there with children. Turk included. Have a spectacular weekend.

 

good times, sunshine and summertime... today is JUNE 1^ST! I cant believe that Country Jam is 20 days away. Crazy how fast the year is going.

I go to bed in one pose. Right hip bone on the bed. Parallel to the floor, leg straight. Left leg bent in frog position, hip slightly off bed. Right arm beneath pillow under head. Left arm clutched to chest. No matter how big the bed is, you can find me on the edge. Preferably the right side (if you're laying on your back). Unless we're spooning, that's how I'm sleeping. And unless we're forking, don't expect me to move. I must also be fully covered. Clothed and with blankets (at least a heavy sheet). I get cold too easily. Don't want to take any chances. Speaking of spooning and forking, I had a favorite shirt once. Said spooning leads to forking, with a spoon and a fork. It was green. I don't know what happened to that shirt but I miss it. Hot Topic, bring it back!

I wake up to my cell phone alarm, turn it off. The alarm in the bathroom starts beeping. Grab a towl and turn on the radio. Turn on the water, wait for it to warm up. Do a dance to the song that's on. Hop in. WASH WASH WASH. Hop out. Lay in bed, contemplate going back to bed or getting dressed. Find some clothes and start breakfast. Get dressed, eat. locate shoes and go to work. Typical day right there.

We got back from Arizona late Monday night. I had a extraordinary time. Left Junction Wednesday night and was on our merry way, I drove most of the way and Tommy took the last part. Even though we didn't do much, we were still truly busy. Thursday was filled with visiting the family and friends and Friday we hiked up to Fossil Creek and went swimming. Visited Prescott (nice town, might I add) and ate at In and Out Burger for the very first time. Not all its cracked out to be but still good. Sat around the bon fire and watched people get wasted (couldn't drink due to antibiotics). Saturday was the wedding. Then more drinking and some cake, more bon fire. Sunday was Tommy's nephew, Michaels birthday party. He calls me Hannah Montana. Went with Cathy and Sammi to dinner. Has delicious pizza from Crusty's. Sat around more bon fire, BBQ'd a little food. Monday we said our good byes and got on the road around 11:30 or so. It was incredibly hard to leave. I cried before we even said goodbye (I hate crying, but seem to be doing it more and more these days). I was going to miss seeing everyone. They are just such nice, genuine people that are so filled with love. I had gotten use to having my bed made each day and breakfast waiting down stairs. Having Tommy sleep right next to me every night. I had gotten to know the family and friends a little bit better and I wasn't ready to just leave that so soon. They like me. Why the hell would I want to leave? I didn't. I had to. I have resposibility here. A job. Make that two jobs. An apartment. My own family. Liza. Needless to say, its good to be back. Back into my routine. Back into being at Tommys until 1130 and back up at 630. No more sleeping in (not till the weekend) and no more hanging out in jeans and a t-shirt. Out of the trance and back to real life.

You cant fix me, I'm not broken. So stop trying to tell me how to be. What I need to do, how I need to act, why I am the way I am. You call me crazy and you know what, that's okay. The people who love me for who I am don't mind the craziness. I'm tired of people telling me how my relationship with Tommy should be. Don't put us on a time line. Everyone is different. Give me your opinions and advice, I promise it will be on my mind. But follow it? Probably not. Because I am my own person. Though I believe you are the company you keep, you're still versitile. Surround yourself with bitchy, never happy negative nancys and soon, you will also be a bichy never happy negative nancy. Encircle yourself with people that are happy, positive upbeat, laughing people and that is what you will be. Every one has their bad days, but never let any one bring you down. You're better than that. Only you can change your life.

I am a home body. I fidget a lot. Paint picking, leg tapping, napkin ripping, hair puller. I cant pee in front of people, unless its someone im super uber close with. If it's a crowded restroom with lots of noise, no problem. But if its me and you, I usually suggest you sing a song. I actually check the cubicles at work before I run to the restroom to make sure I'm going to be all alone. I don't know what my fear is. And I don't know if or when ill be over it. For now please, sing a song. I've re-fallen (if that's a word) in love with Fun Dip and Pop Rocks  and I've found stores that sell it on a regular basis. I had to have them when I saw them. And my words were, fun dip. That's fun. I laughed out loud. Speaking of laughing out loud, who the hell thought of LOL and why do we use it constantly, even in text messaging? LOL that's so funny. Why couldn't you just type, haha or that's so funny instead of some strange acronym, LOL. Pronounce that next time you want to laugh. Just say it. Not L O and then L say lol. Kind of like lowell. Oh my. What have I started.

Nothing agitates me more than when at the end of a text message there is a dot dot dot (…) I know it seems silly but in most cases, a dot dot dot means there is more to be said. I know Lacey used to write things and put a … after it but she would continue typing. Kind of… like this… and it… wasn't so bad… but…. That was AIM. Text messaging its harder to read the dialect. I know when I write blogs, I add periods and commas in where my brain pauses. Because that's how I think. In the middle of sentences, my brain stops. So I put a period. And. Just like that. The thought continues. Maybe im just slow. Who knows. I mention this only because it leaves things open ended. There is a party tomorrow and I'd like to go… are you asking permission to go? Are you inviting me to come along? Is the dot dot dot your way of stating you want to go alone? And me, miss over analyzer, gets confused easily so then I have to waste more time asking what exactly the dot dot dot means or get lost assuming.

My friend Skylar (miss you so much buddy), once told me change means progress and progress is just growth. And I thought those were wise words. That's all I want to say about that. Think about it.

Why do we always rely on others to catch us when we fall? Catch yourself. You cannot rely on anyone but yourself in the end. So prepare for that now.

I lie when I say I like jelly beans (Jelly Belly of course). I only think I like jelly beans. When it comes down to it, I'm just as picky abou them as any other thing to eat. I prefer the marshmallow, popcorn, root beer, cream soda, café latt, cotton candy, french vanilla, dr pepper and grapefruit. Haha. I feed Tommy the rest. Lucky him ;) also, passing people on the high way (two lanes) scares the crap out of me. I get SO nervous and most of the time, have to wait for a passing lane because I have a panic attack.

"Be loved but never love someone more than yourself. Attach but never combine. Trip but never fall. To be broken is better than shattered. Reveal your strength but never your weakness. Be trustworthy but never trust. Be cracked but never opened." Someone wrote it.

Lacey, safe travels to NY. Believe it or not, I will miss you (or the friendship that once was). Nicolette, come back to Colorado. Delaware is too far. Melissa, happy for you and Franz. Congrats on the baby. Happy 21^st birthday Caroline Chant. I hope it was amazing. Valerie, I promise we're doing lunch soon. Jenna (California), havent heard from you in a while. I hope that all is going well. Erica, I love that you are my lunch buddy and my venting lady. Always on the same page. Skylar, I'm coming to visit your ass in two months. I wish we lived closer. Michele, I never see you anymore either. I'm glad life is good as 1-2. Amanda, how can we live in the same town and work at the same place and never hang out? J-Rand, thanks for the new nick name and always being my girl. Me love you long time. Jessica Thomas, you're beautiful. I want wedding pictures. Britney, dinner next week! Devil (Devin Francil) I love your comments on the blogs so give it to me, baby! Kellie Drake, dinner? Alisa, you and Lyle rock my world. And you're beautiful. Abigail Sanchez, call me back. Love you all. Oh, and all my cousins I saw at lunch two weekends ago; it was so nice to see all of you. Lets not wait until Thanksgiving to meet up again.

I am now the proud mother of six fish. Tommy and I bought them last night. They have black rocks in their bowl and are adapting quite well to their new surroundings. I am out for the weekend. Not sure if I'm going to New Mexico or staying here but, I shall have fun doing whatever. Have a great weekend and please be safe. Buckle up, life's a crazy ass ride.

Ill keep this short and sweet so I dont bore you too much. Im sure Ill have lots to write about next week.

Though its only Wednesday, this (half) week has been entirely draining. Unfortunate medical news, working at the great kohls and just life in general.

I got quite the response out of my post titled There will be no looking back, I'm impressed...

If you think I'm talking about you, I probably am. If im not but you think im might be, you're feeling guilty cause it hits home.

Never a dull moment in this life. There is always something going on.

Expect more, tolerate less. What do you really have to lose?

To keep myself from feeling exposed and vulnerable, I'd gotten very good at using the phrase "that's okay" when it was really, really not okay. There were so many times I didn't get angry when I should have, for fear of coming off as too emotional or unhinged. Well. you know what? Unhinge this! If the situation calls for it, and the difference between sucking it up and having a bit of a blowup could be months of festering in a foul mood.

I'm having a hard time with… myself. And understanding why it takes me so long to warm up to some people but others I have no problems with. I think at times im too judgmental.

Love is enough. For anything and everything. Love is the ultimate healer. However, refusing to love is emotional suicide.

Accidents happen. But when you choose the behavoir, you choose the consequence.

Less is more. Cha cha cha. Charmin.

I heard something the other day. You have one mouth and two ears. Try to listen twice as much as you talk. Good idea. Ill bring my listening ears.

You never really know till you're there. Love it. It applies to everything I think.

Wow this blog is filled with a bunch of random shit.

"It's hard to accept what you don't understand, and it's even harder to launch when you don't know how to land, And it hurts when it burns, even though you can't change a thing, all you can do is soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting. "

I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of our relationship with our parents, we'll miss them when they're gone from our lives.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives us a second chance.
I've learned that we shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. We need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if we pursue happiness, it will elude us. But, if we focus on our family, our friends, the needs of others, our work and doing the very best we can, happiness will find us.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, we should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I heart cards. Not playing cards. Greeting cards. I love giving them, sending them to far away friends, to here in town friends too. I love getting them in the mail or in person. I love buying them. Lots of them. Planning ahead for near future events. I love finding a card that reminds me of someone and making their day. I love thanking people with cards, for simple things. I love friendship cards and I love love cards. Sometimes when you want to say something but you cant find the words, buy a card. Garenteed you will find one that says it all. I love giving a happy card when someone is having a bad day. Or finding a wedding card that says im so SO happy you found true love. I could lose myself in the card aisle, easily. Target has good cards. The Shiners car wash has good cards too.

My new favorite fruit (aside from raspberries) is pineapple. And I just wanted to let you know that it is delicious and everyone should eat pineapple every day.

Well im off. Heading to arizona for the long long weekend.

Erica lynn, I love you. I'm so happy I have you in my life.

Skylar Hand. I love you too. Thank you so much for always comforting me when I call so upset.

Cristiel you better not have that baby while I'm gone.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I shall see you next Tuesday!

Oh and still no luck with the insurance license. Going to work on it sometime while im gone (yeah f'in right)!!!

I'm bitter today. I'm so freaking bitter that I cant write (type) it all out because my fingers don't move that fast.

I think I'm mostly upset that there are things I want to say that I cant. Or wont really. There are 'friends' who have so frustrated me that I cant even talk to them about it.

Everyone messes up and everyone has made mistakes that people won't forget but there are something's that are completely inexcusable. And they say that you become wiser when you age and I am beginning to believe that is just a load of crap.

I am, by no means perfect. And I also know that I have done some not nice things to my friends. I guess it just seems more of a big deal now because it's never-ending back stabbing. It's lies and lies and more lies. Its cheating and saying you will be there and not showing up. Its not saying thank you when someone went out of their way for you. I'm tired of seeking you out, tired of always being the one to call when you're only around when you need something. Fair weathered friends.

There is a quote out there that says "hate is easy but love takes courage' and I think that hate is a wasted emotion and not enough people take advantage of love. Hate is a frequent word in my vocabulary. But so is love. I think I use hate a little too freely but I also use the F word a little too freely too…

It takes less time to do things right that to explain why you did it wrong. And when you do something wrong, just freaking fix it. Say you're sorry admit you were at fault. Don't make promises you can't keep. You know what, don't make promises at all. There is too much behind the word promise that makes the other party actually think you are going to at least try. Make it a surprise when you come into town and stop by instead of saying you will be here and last minute saying something drastic came up. Don't say you're coming over if you have no money and you KNOW you have no money to do so. Don't throw yourself a pity party if one you didn't even come close to earning one.

Love has nothing to do with what you're expecting to get, it is what you're expecting to give, which is everything. Saying you're lacking whatever piece of a relationship, says you're not willing to try for it. Love is giving your hearts to each other unconditionally. It's not a fairy tale world that knows no pain but its two souls facing it together and withdrawing it with unconditional love.

I miss so many old friends. I've found some of them. Some have found me. Some have yet to be found. But that's okay because everything happens for a reason. And regardless of that reason, it will work out. There are some recently lost friends that I want nothing to do with.

When you push me out of your life, don't expect me to stick around and wait for you to come back. Find me in five years and I may be over it but I may not be. Don't leave me and then try to weasel your way back into my life. YOU LEFT ME. I tried to be your friend, called you text you emailed you and I got nothing in return. You say you're alone and you know you make people mad but you wont open up and tell people what's going on because they will only tell you what you don't want to hear? Don't complain about being alone then.

Since my last post, they found my wallet. I lost it at Target apparently. Target called my insurance company (three weeks later) state farm called my brother and Spencer called me.

So happy to have it back but what a hassle it was trying to cancel and or renew everything! We are already half way through the second week of May. Time is flying by, so hang on.

I just wanted to share that this is my new favorite song and I can definitely relate, I'm sure we all have days when we forget what we have.

Hope you like it.

Lucky Man

I have days where I hate my job

This little town and the whole world, too

And last Sunday when my Bengals lost

Lordy, put me in a bad mood

I have moments when I curse the rain

Then complain when the sun's too hot

I look around at what everyone has

And I forget about all I've got

Chorus

But I know I'm a lucky man

God's given me a pretty fair hand

Got a house and a piece of land

A few dollars in a coffee can

My old truck's still runnin' good

My ticker's tickin' like they say it should

A good woman's lovin'

And one more day to be my little kid's Dad

Lord knows I'm a lucky man

Got some friends who would be here fast

I could call 'em any time of day

Got a brother who's got my back

Got a momma who I swear's a saint

Got a brand new rod and reel

Got a full week off this year

Dad had a close call last spring

It's a miracle he's still here

Ooh, my old truck's still runnin' good

My ticker's tickin' like they say it should

I got supper in the oven

A good woman's lovin'

And even my bad days ain't that bad

Yeah, I'm a lucky man

I'm a lucky, lucky man

If you're never young and crazy, you can never be old and wise.

Turn your wounds into wisdom. Learn from your mistakes. Don't continue to make your own life miserable by wallowing in self-pity.

It's hard to care about people when everyone is the same.  The things I like the most about people are their differences, little quirks that make them memorable and special.  I think people are the most true when they are taken out of a crowd, then they don't have anyone to mold to, impress, or fear.  I know we all put on an act sometimes, but I hope everyone has at least one person that makes them feel safe enough to bring out their true self.  Hopefully we will all be more accepting of who people are, and just as importantly, more accepting of ourselves.

Everything is alright and it's always going to be.  I come to this blog thing and write all of my problems (or hint that things aren't going so great without getting too personal) because I find it easier than actually going to talk to someone.  When I do that I feel like a bother and seem stupid because there's nothing they can do about any of it.  Now that I think about it all and read over some old blogs I realize that everything is temporary.  I've been told that a million times but it's different once I actually accept it I guess.  Life is always going to be throwing things around the corner that are unwanted and hard to deal with but sooner or later those things will go away.  I haven't experienced anything extremely hard and honestly I doubt I ever will.  Instead of just being thankful for that, I tend to pick apart the luxury I have been giving until I can find something that isn't just the way I like it.  Things change and people can be disagreeable but life goes on and it always will no matter how hard anyone tries to stop it.  I might as well just get over it now.

I hope I can keep this perspective as other trials come along, but I tend to forget these little lessons and need to be taught them over and over.  That kind of sucks. The hardest thing ever is seeing people you care about do things that you know will hurt them.  It's even worse when you can see the damage and they can't.  And it's even worse when you know a way for them to be happy, it's so simple, but they wont accept it.  I get tired of holding out my hand and having it pushed away. Sometimes people don't like to talk about things because it makes them feel guilty.  You would think that would give them a clue that they shouldn't do those things.  I guess everything's alright as long as you don't think about it.  Nah, that's a bunch of crap.

I love waking up in the morning with all sorts of little lines and indentions on my skin from being so wrapped up in my blanket. I think it was a good sleep when that happens. Plus, its early morning entertainment to see how long those lines are, and what different shapes they come in. I'm easily amused.

The last couple of days, I've met many people who have inspired me. Not only have they opened my eyes to a world of possibilities but also they were so encouraging to me to live life how I want to live it. They say live it to the fullest and to take my time. Do what I want to do and go back to school when I want. And though it was done stranger to stranger, I found it very comforting that they supported me and they didn't even know me. I found comfort that they are in fact normal and they were there once too. They went back to college at 28 and had the first baby at 30. I think I am on the right path with life. For the first time I feel whole within. And that's freaking awesome. I've got plans, dreams, and hopes. Things I want to get done and it isn't super fair to put it on a time line but I know when I want to get them done. Granted, I may not know how I am going to get there yet, but if I knew everything that wouldn't be much fun. I've got a good job that pays decent, an apartment,